If you’ve ever heard the dreaded phrase, “You’re nice, but…” after a first or second date, you’re not alone. It’s enough to make any man wonder: What’s wrong with being nice? Do women just like jerks? Do I have to be a jerk to date women?
Here’s the truth: women don’t directly hate nice guys. They dislike the behaviors that often come with being a nice guy. When “nice” means putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, not standing up when someone it can signal insecurity or a lack of self-respect. And that’s a deal-breaker for women’s attraction to you.
The good news? You don’t need to be a jerk to get women attracted to you. You just need to prioritize yourself in a way that’s both confident and true to yourself. If you have been people-pleasing and not standing up for yourself. It’s time to start growing a backbone. Let’s explore why being “too nice” doesn’t work, how to strike the right balance, and what you can do to upgrade your dating game starting today.
Part 1: Why Being Too Nice Is a Problem
“Nice” is a tricky word. On one hand, it suggests qualities like kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity. On the other hand, dating, it can sometimes communicate pity more than attraction. It’s basically synonymous with simp these days.
Why? Because women are hardwired to be drawn to men who prioritize themselves, who are independent leaders, and who are outcome-independent. If you value what other people think about you a lot then you are headed for disaster. This doesn’t mean women want selfish or arrogant partners—it means they’re looking for someone who can take care of their own needs, stand their ground, and lead them and (hopefully their future family) with confidence.
When you’re too nice, it often looks like:
- Agreeing with everything she says, even if you don’t mean it.
- Constantly putting her needs above your own.
- Never assert your opinions, preferences, or boundaries.
- Never stand up for yourself, and your needs.
In the ancient caveman days, the ability to survive and provide was the ultimate attraction for women when they selected a mate. Taking the lead, protecting your resources, and prioritizing your well-being—signaled strength and capability. A nice guy in those days was well dead. That psychology hasn’t gone away, even if society has evolved. Humans have been around for years. We have been cultured only for a few thousand years. Women naturally feel attracted to the one who takes care of his own needs first.
Takeaway: Women are drawn to men who value themselves. If you’re always giving without considering your own needs, you’re sending the wrong message to women. You are not trustworthy and dependable if you are too nice and constantly agree with everything.
Part 2: The Difference Between “Nice” and “Too Nice 😬”
Being nice isn’t the main issue—it’s how you balance your behavior. Let’s compare two guys:
Nice-Guy Nate:
- Texts obsessively and anxiously waits for her replies.
- Drops everything to make plans on her schedule, even if it’s inconvenient.
- Agrees with her opinions, even when he secretly disagrees.
- Spends lavishly on dates to prove his interest.
Self-Interested Sam:
- Texts when it’s convenient for him and doesn’t obsess over instant responses.
- Makes plans that align with his schedule and invites her to join.
- Shares his honest opinions, even if they differ from hers.
- Chooses date spots he genuinely enjoys because he wants to have fun, too.
Who do you think women find more attractive among the two people?
Nice-Guy Nate comes off as overly eager, insecure, and lacking self-respect. Basically a simp and a pushover.
Self-Interested Sam, on the other hand, is confident, outcome-independent, and real. He is the type that women will chase cause they know he will not bow down to them for their whims. Women are drawn to Sam not because he’s a jerk but because he values himself while still being kind and thoughtful.
Takeaway: It’s not about choosing between being nice or being confident—you can (and should) be both. But you need to be on your path and career. She joins you on the journey. If you make women the goal of your life then you are headed towards failure.
Part 3: How to Upgrade Your Dating Game
Ready to shift from “too nice” to just right? Here are two actionable steps you can take today:
1. Practice Selfishness
Every day, do something purely for yourself—something that brings you joy or helps you achieve a personal goal. This isn’t about ignoring others; it’s about building the habit of prioritizing your own needs.
Examples include:
- Spending an hour at the gym to work on your fitness goals.
- Take a solo trip to your favorite coffee shop to enjoy a book or podcast.
- Saying no to plans that don’t excite you, even if it feels awkward.
- Say no when someone tries to sell you something or tries to make you do something you don’t want to.
When you consistently prioritize yourself, it naturally shifts your mindset. You’ll start to value your time and energy more, and that confidence will show in how you interact with women.
2. Speak Your Mind
Stop agreeing with everything just to avoid conflict. Women respect men who have their own opinions and aren’t afraid to share them. Next time you’re out with a woman or anyone for that matter. If someone says something you disagree with say no. Tell them you disagree. For example:
- If she says she loves white wine and you prefer red, tell her that you prefer red.
- If she’s not into running and you are,you should tell her
- If you like gaming and she doesn’t you should tell her you like it and you wanna play.
These moments create genuine, engaging conversations and show her that you’re confident in who you are. Remember, disagreement doesn’t have to be argumentative—it’s you telling her what you like. If she doesn’t want to she can do her own thing. You do your own thing.
Recap:
Being nice isn’t the problem—it’s being too nice at the expense of your own needs. Women want a man who is kind, but also confident, self-assured, and unapologetically himself. He needs to be a leader that she can depend on.
Here’s how to start shifting today:
- Prioritize Yourself: Practice selfishness by making time for your own needs and goals.
- Speak Your Truth: Don’t be afraid to share your opinions, even if they differ from hers.
You’ll stop getting friend-zoned for being “too nice” and start attracting women who appreciate you for who you truly are. And those who don’t want to be with you because of how you are. Why do you want such people in your life anyways? Let them go.
Because the truth is, women don’t want an endlessly agreeable yes-man. They want a partner who values himself enough to be authentic—and that’s something you can start becoming right now. Be the guy who can lead and say no when he doesn’t agree with something.
If you are struggling with talking with women and getting first dates we have a special offer for you! To kickstart your dating journey, I’m offering a FREE consultation call. During this call, we’ll discuss your dating challenges and craft a personalized plan to elevate your appeal and success with women.
Don’t let another opportunity pass you by. Embrace the attractive qualities women love and transform your dating life today!
Book your FREE call now and take the first step towards becoming the man you’ve always wanted to be.
