As a dating coach for men, I hear it all the time: “Just be yourself.”
It’s often used by well-meaning friends, family, and even Hollywood rom-coms as the ultimate shortcut to success in dating and life. Just be yourself. The advice sounds nice, doesn’t it? No need to try too hard, no need to change. Just show up, and the world will magically fall at your feet just as you are.
But let me tell you something—this is some of the worst advice a man can follow when it comes to dating and life in general.
Here’s why:
1. It’s an Excuse to Stay Comfortable
Let’s be real: when people say, “Just be yourself,” what they often mean is, Don’t bother trying to grow or change. This by far is the most toxic positivity line thrown at men which results in them not taking action.
For most men, this advice can turn into a permission slip to avoid doing the hard work of improving themself and their life. While the advice sounds meaningful and well-intentioned. Is it really?
- Do you have bad habits? Just be yourself.
- Are you struggling to hold a conversation or talk to women? Just be yourself.
- Fear rejection, and can’t get out of your comfort zone? Just be yourself.
It’s like telling a man who is trying to lose weight and be healthy and physically fit. Be yourself you don’t need to change is unfortunately the excuse people use to avoid improving their lives. Real growth only happens outside your comfort zone. If you’re stuck repeating patterns that don’t serve you, clinging to who you are right now won’t magically solve the problem. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that’s the truth.
The truth is, the most confident, successful men you see? They didn’t settle for being themselves. They invested in becoming better versions of themselves. They keep improving day by day trying to be the best versions of themselves. And that my friend is the goal everyone should have. Be the best version of yourself you can be proud of.
2. “Yourself” Is a Moving Target
Here’s the thing most men misunderstand: yourself isn’t a fixed state. You’re not the same person you were at 16—or at least, I hope not. We’re all works in progress. The idea is to be the best possible version of yourself that you are proud of. Are you making the money you want, are you in the physical shape you want, is your career and dating life the way you want? These are the questions that you need to answer truthfully.
When someone says, “Just be yourself,” it assumes there’s nothing more to learn, nothing more to explore. But the best men I know are constantly evolving. They’re not satisfied with where they are; they’re excited about where they’re going. They are constantly leveling up and becoming better men.
If you settle for just being yourself, you risk stagnation. And stagnation, especially in your personal life, is a surefire way to miss out on opportunities in all walks of life. Especially dating. The last thing a woman wants is a man with no ambition.
3. Charm and Confidence Are Learned, Not Given
Imagine walking into a room with zero preparation, zero awareness, and zero effort. Is that what just being yourself looks like?
Let me tell you a secret: the men who seem effortlessly charming and confident didn’t wake up that way. They put in the work. They learned how to listen, how to communicate, and how to project confidence. It was after years of practice that they reached that level of confidence and success. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Stop thinking it was.
These are skills—skills you can develop by working on yourself.
- Confidence? Built by taking action, failing, and trying again.
- Humor? Practiced through understanding timing and reading the room. And most importantly practice.
- Emotional intelligence? Grown by paying attention to others and adjusting your approach. Socializing and learning what works, and what doesn’t.
Being “authentic” doesn’t mean skipping the effort. It means showing up as the best version of yourself, and being what you want to be.
4. Women Don’t Want a Default Version of You
Here’s the tough love part: women aren’t looking for the unpolished, unprepared version of you. I am sorry. If you are not in shape, not working towards your dreams, have no ambition, have no money, or social skills. The women you desire won’t even look at you. They’re looking for someone who’s put thought and effort into who they are. Who has the ambition to be successful in life even if at the moment you aren’t but you have the potential to be.
Now, this doesn’t mean you need to pretend to be someone you’re not. But it does mean you should focus on:
- Improving your communication skills.
- Dressing well and taking care of your appearance and health.
- Building confidence through action, not hope.
When you put in the work to grow your personality. You are actively becoming a better well-rounded person who women find charming and attractive naturally.
5. The World Rewards Effort, Not Complacency
Let’s step outside the dating world for a second. Imagine showing up to a job interview and saying, “I didn’t prepare because I’m just being myself.” How do you think that’s going to go? It’s the same thing with dating. When you go out to meet women you need to put effort and try to look your best. Taking care of your grooming, taking a shower, using a facewash are simple things that you can do to look better.
Life doesn’t reward laziness. Whether it’s your career, your health, or your relationships, effort matters. If you are not willing to put in the effort you are bound to fail.
Dating is no different. If you want to attract someone incredible, you need to become the kind of man they’re excited to be around. That takes effort and action.
6. A Better Alternative: Be The BEST Version of Yourself
So, if “just be yourself” is bad advice, what should you do instead? Here’s my take:
Be the Best Version Of Yourself.
- Be intentional about how you present yourself.
- Be intentional about how you treat others.
- Be intentional about who you want to become.
- Be intentional about the way you take care of yourself
This isn’t about faking it or putting on a mask. It’s about showing up as the best version of yourself that aligns with your goals, values and dreams.
Final Thoughts: Growth Is Attraction
The next time someone tells you to “just be yourself,” smile politely—and ignore it. You’re not a static being, locked into one version of yourself forever. You’re dynamic and capable of growth and transformation. Don’t let others stop you from being the best version of yourself. Becoming the man you want to be isn’t faking it. It’s called having ambitions and achieving your goals. Women love that.
So don’t settle for the comfort of “just being yourself.” Step into the challenge of becoming your best self. That’s where true confidence—and true connection— help you get the women you dream of.
And trust me, the results are worth it.
If you are struggling with talking with women and getting first dates we have a special offer for you! To kickstart your dating journey, I’m offering a FREE consultation call. During this call, we’ll discuss your dating challenges and craft a personalized plan to elevate your appeal and success with women.
Don’t let another opportunity pass you by. Embrace the attractive qualities women love and transform your dating life today!
Book your FREE call now and take the first step towards becoming the man you’ve always wanted to be.
